Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Free holy Hip Hop (Louisville)

The Ad:

Date: 2010-03-16, 5:44AM EDT
Reply to:

u need some free holy hip hop just let me know, i can mail u some cds for u and your youth, leave me a message, give me your address or your church address and ill send sum cds asap wanna hear sum music 1st go to or 

My Snarky Comments:
I'd like to make a public apology.

For years, I've publicly claimed on several occasions that the single lamest phenomenon in pop culture is Christian rock. I'd like to formally apologize to the world of Christian rock.

The lamest phenomenon in pop culture is Christian hip hop.

What sounds more pathetically ridiculous to you...some heavenly headbangers jammin' for Jesus or a sin-dicate of streetwise gangsters looking to pop a cap in Satan's ass?

After absolutely no research, here's a list of the top ten made up religious rap albums and their artists...

  1. Water into Rhyme by The Notorious J.O.B.
  2. Straight Outta Jerusalem by JewPac
  3. The Flesh is Weak by DJ Jesus H. and the D-sciples
  4. Delilah was a Hoe by Queen Bathsheba
  5. Da Lions Den by Lazzurus
  6. Commandment 11 by Christ-T
  7. Rap-tism by Choir Boyz in the Hood
  8. Azhes 2 Azhes, Bust 2 Bust by Da Rezzurekshun
  9. Thou Shalt not Grill by Savior Save
  10. Thirddy Piezes of Silvah by MC 900ft Jesus

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Used Mattress - Free (Bartlett)

The Ad:

Date: 2010-03-09, 2:40PM CST
Reply to:

I have a used queen size mattress that I'm giving away for free. It's only a couple years old. Unsure of the brand as there are no remaining tags. Some slight discoloration, but there are no visible blood or semen stains.

My Snarky Comments:

Gee...I never bought a bed from Johnnie Cochran before.

There goes my dream of getting a DNA profile of the fucker who rips the tags off the mattresses.

No "visible" blood or semen stains? I've never seen a giant squid or dark matter either. That doesn't mean they don't exist.


The Ad:

Date: 2010-02-20, 7:57PM CST
Reply to: see below

i have a cat. that i found. in my basement. and we feed. her. and got her. healthy again. she is a nice. cat. very friendly. u can call me at 608-637-2056

My Snarky Comments:

Read this ad aloud to yourself bearing in mind the punctuation. Make sure to pause at every period. You will automatically sound like Christopher Walken or a robot.

Women's 7 for all Mankind Jeans - well-worn and heavily patched, Sz 27 (Lincoln Park)

The Ad:

Date: 2010-03-12, 1:49PM CST
Reply to:

Up for grabs, a pair of well-worn women's jeans. Size 27 on the tag. These have been worn a lot and were heavily patched in the crotch area and also above the left back pocket and the left knee. However, thanks to the patches, there are no holes. One of the belt loops is unattached on one end as well. That all being said, if you're interested and can come pick them up from me in Lincoln Park, send me an e-mail.

My Snarky Comments:

How the hell does this happen? Seriously...I'm asking a serious question. I'm racking my brain trying to come up with an explanation for the crotchal carnage here.

Here are my best guesses...
  1. You were riding a mechanical bull with a saddle made out of sandpaper.
  2. You're an overzealous Michael Jackson impersonator.
  3. Wow. What they say is really have to be careful not to spill that McDonald's coffee on yourself.
Any other thoughts? Drop me a line.

25 inch floor model tv (flora)

The Ad:

Date: 2010-03-03, 10:02PM EST

I have a 25 inch floor model cabinet tv. hooks up to cable works fine. nothing wrong. we just have newer tv's.

My Snarky Comments:

Say, how much for the obviously neglected dog?

So, you mention that the t.v. is a floor model? Apparently so is your dog because it has no ability to stand the fuck up. I swear I've seen prison movies where the guy thrown in "the hole" has more room to move around.

Here's an idea...instead of giving you money for the t.v., why don't you give me money and I won't report your ass to the A.S.P.C.A.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Free to a good home - Refrigerator

The Ad:

Date: 2010-03-11, 11:23PM CST
Reply to:

free refrigerator to a good home (works just fine!!) for personal use ONLY - I dont want no resellers getting to this guy

will need to be cleaned out (by you - NOT me) due to my power being shut off in November and it has not been used since then (but i forgot to take food out)

ALso you will need to pick this up during daytime hours as i have NO power/lights

My Snarky Comments:

Normally to get a fine appliance in this condition, one would have to go through the effort of traveling to New Orleans to pull one out of a tree. Thanks for saving me the trouble.

Note to all you evil resellers out there. HANDS OFF. No way you should dare profit for hauling away this five foot E. Coli factory and investing in all the napalm needed to get the thousand island stench out of it.

I find it amazing that you forgot you had all this food since you appear to be the kind of fellow that often suffers from the munchies.

You know, maybe if you cleaned it up yourself and sold it instead of giving it away for free, maybe you could make enough money to pay your back electric bill. Just a thought.

Also, run spell check.

Welcome to Curb Alert!

I love Craigslist.

In many ways, it fulfills the promise that the internet will be the great equalizer that many of us wished it would be in the late 90's.

That being said, there is some crazy ass shit on Craigslist and I and my snarkiness cannot be silent about it any longer.

I assure you all these ads are real. Trust me, I'm not clever enough to come up with this stuff. Most of these entries come from the Milwaukee, WI area Craigslist. If you find any items on Craigslist from Wisconsin or elsewhere and would like me to berate them for you, just drop me a line.

Thanks and enjoy!